Set the Setting: August 2024

Meme Drop, Saying Farewell with Ketamine, The FDA Decision on MDMA, Catch me IRL at Outside Lands, Photo Drop

Aug 04, 2024

July was really hard. I’m mostly going to be writing about the suicide of a friend so consider yourself warned. Its shaken me to my core. Combined with the big FDA decision slated for next week - which is the biggest moment of my career at MAPS - I have been feeling… unsettled, wobbly, emotional, and dysregulated.

Through this challenge, I am making a commitment to pursue myself. To pursue becoming the healthiest, happiest, most healed, most present, most confident version of myself.

Saying Farewell with Ketamine

To be completely honest, I don’t know how to write about this. So, I’m just going to start typing.

I met Scot in 2022 during my search for a general contractor to remodel my condo. His company had recently remodeled a house around the corner. As I got to know Scot and the others at the company, I felt safe and confident in my decision because they saw my vision. I had spent most of my COVID era realizing how unhappy I was with the physical space I was living in. I didn’t feel like home, it felt more like a dungeon.

Not only did Scot share and enhance my vision, he had the technical skills to bring it to life - a massive portfolio of successful projects that truly blew me away (including one of my favorite venues: 1015 Folsom). The first few months of the remodel/planning were a blast. Whether it was shopping for marble slabs or grabbing lunch to go over updates and ideas, Scot was bright, genuine and caring. He made my life brighter and I know I did the same for him. Both being gay, we got to deeply connect about our personal lives. We became fast friends, and his coworkers told me how much he lit up on the days that we got to work together.

But, I also knew he struggled with his mental health. He had hard days; don’t we all? Because of a mental condition, his hard days simply hit harder. In the past few months, he told me there were more hard days than good ones. And seemingly more and more hard days ahead. He was afraid of letting me down; he told me. Remodels are messy, there are set backs, but I never lost trust in him - I knew what he was capable of. And while I sensed that something was wrong, I didn’t know how else I could be more supportive other than to be patient and understanding.

Have you ever had someone leave you a suicide note before? It was one of the hardest, maybe the hardest, thing I’ve ever read. It was short; just a few sentences. I didn’t get any answers. If anything, I was left with a thousand questions. I was confused. I was sad - like, beyond sad. Completely debilitated… shell shocked. Maybe like in a war movie, when a bomb goes off nearby.

The next day was worse. I woke up filled with anger. Just… rage. I was so angry. My remodel is a fucking mess. My furniture, my art, my appliances, my belongings - are somewhere in a storage unit on Treasure Island (I hope… they still haven’t been found). I’ve prepaid a huge sum of money - and my condo is sitting empty. And Scot just left? He just left?! He left a mess for me and for so many others to have to clean up.

I was given advice to feel all my emotions but the anger was consuming me. Intrinsically I understood that anger is a rational emotion given the circumstances, and that I had a right to be angry. However, I knew it was also not going to serve me to hold the anger. I hated the fact that I was angry, it made me feel selfish. Scot was a friend, and he suffered greatly, and I wanted to feel compassion for someone who shared these incredible moments with me.

Fortunately - maybe coincidentally, maybe not - I had a scheduled call with Mareesa that day. She suggested I process the anger by putting myself into a k hole. Her advice was to speak the anger out loud; really bring the anger to the surface. Then, I took 2 big bumps of ketamine every 10 minutes. Somewhere around the 30-40 minute mark, I knew I was pretty much there. With a blindfold on, I had a super visual experience that you can ask me about later (the anger dissolved like water swirling down a drain — it was really cool). The depth of the trip only lasted about 30 minutes from that point. Although I was able to get up and wobble another bump to my nose because I was enjoying the playlist and wanted to keep going. All in all, I wrapped up about 90 minutes after I started and immediately began journaling once I was in control of my body again.

What I unearthed about my anger was that, behind the anger, was fear. Trying to wrestle control the surface level anger wasn’t addressing the root - the fear. The fear of instability and unknown: what’s going to happen to my house, my belongings, my finances, my future? What’s going to happen with the FDA decision on MDMA — something so much bigger than me? These two big things are coming together at this terrifying climax.

I can’t remember a time I’ve been so afraid.

My life coach, Yannick, was on a family vacation in a mountain town in southern Germany. I sent him a whatsapp requesting emergency support and thank god he answered the call and was able to support my integration.

It’s only been 3 days since my ketamine experience, but I’m learning each day to accept the uncertainty in my life. Life is full of uncertainties.

And - I have one life to live and I’m determined to live a life that I’ll remember. I have my health, my family, my friends, my career, my youth(!). I have so much appreciation and derive so much strength from these aspects of my life that I built and curated. I have this blog that I write once a month - an outlet to share the good times and bad times.

I know not everybody reads this every month, but it truly means so much to me that lots of you do.

At Scot’s memorial, we had a moment of silence to reflect on the lessons that Scot taught us. For me, it’s to accept the uncertainty of life with the same zest and fire that made him so brilliant and loved. I miss you so much, Scot and know that I’ll always carry you with me.

The FDA Decision on MDMA

Even though the FDA’s Advisory Committee recommended against MDMA-assisted therapy (MDMA-AT) in early June, the FDA’s actual decision is slated for August 11th. However, August 11th is a Sunday… so we might get a decision on August 9th! It’s also possible they delay the decision; some people suspect it will be punted to after the election.

A “yes” decision on MDMA-AT would be a massive step forward for mental health and would spark a sea change for MAPS and where I take my career. A “no” decision would feel devastating and I’ve been feeling anxious about what that would mean for MAPS; in particular, for the implications on funding for me and my colleague’s jobs.

I accept that my colleagues and I have done everything in our control to get to this point. And I accept that the FDA decision is truly out of my hands. As many initiatives at work are waiting on the decision, I’ve had extra time on my hands. So, I’ve been hitting the gym pretty hard. At a recent Barry’s class, my fav instructor Trish dropped this unreleased John Summit remix that I begged her to send me. It’s the Kupyd Breathe edit of Shiver and if you love is as much as I do, let me know and I’ll send it to you because it’s not on Spotify/Soundcloud:

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-3:28

Catch me IRL at Outside Lands (Aug. 9-11)

It’s a bit of a contradiction that I love music festivals so much but Outside Lands in SF has never been my cup of tea. I only went once, over 10 years ago. I didn’t realize it was going to be sooo cold and foggy! I ended up catching a cold on day 2 and had a hard time enjoying day 3 (which had the most artists I wanted to see). Comparing it to EDM-focused festivals, I sort of forgot about Outside Lands and never had it on my calendar.

But this year will be different! A group of coworkers and I will be representing MAPS at a booth in The Mission (around Hellman Hollow in Golden Gate Park) where we’ll be chatting with festival goers about drug policy and activating your voice and vote to drive positive change. Of course, I’ll also have time to squeeze in some sets (Gryffin and Chris Lake are on the line up). If you’re going to OSL, please swing by!

The FDA decision is slated to be announced that weekend too - we’re all holding onto our breath! It would be pretty magical to celebrate at Outside Lands… crossing all my fingers and toes.