Set the Setting: January 2026
Meme drop, Psychedelics for gender fuckery, 'Single again, but with style', Catch me IRL in Las Vegas at Sin City Classic (Jan 15-19), Photo drop
Meme drop
On New Year’s day 2022, during a consecutive night of ayahuasca and immediately following a large double-dose of rapé (a ceremonial tobacco shot up your nose); I purged my gender.
It was the most intense, full-body purge I’ve ever experienced. I was on my hands and knees and it felt like my insides were being vacuum-sucked out of me. Every muscle of my body was at full tension for what must have been several minutes. At the peak, the vacuum force was so strong that I swear it inverted my penis and balls and I yacked it out of my body and into my purge bucket. It was awesome!
Psychedelics for gender fuckery
Four years later, I was beyond thrilled to read the BBC article “Beyond Gender: Psychedelics are revealing hidden sides to people’s identity.” It has some incredible insights from two of my favorite psychedelic therapists, Jae and Rachel.
“Part of the beauty of psychedelics is that they loosen our fixed notions of ourselves in the world. The fact that they can create space for new ways for people to think about themselves – including their gender or their sexuality – is not at all surprising. Ultimately, psychedelics don’t change who we are, they help us remember or discover who we’ve always been underneath the social programming.”
- Jae Sevelius
In the subsequent weeks after that purge, through gender- and sexuality- affirming psychedelic integration, I now identify as “gender-relaxed.” Before that experience, I rarely spotted a crop top and had never painted my nails. After that experience, my nails are always painted and I have realized that crop tops are the epitome of confidence and comfort.
I understand that gender might not be a “relaxing” part of one’s identity if they do not fit into a societal blueprint of how their gender is supposed to look, sound and dress. I certainly never felt gender-relaxed before that moment; I would describe most of my life as having gender-anxiety.
But in the days and weeks following that ceremonial purge, I came to understand that my true identity went beyond a gender binary. In fact, the concept of gender no longer made any sense to me. He, she, they; I don’t give a fuck because none of them are relevant to me.
Psychedelics did not directly change my perception of gender, it created space for me explore my innate sense of gender fuckery. And every time I put on a crop top, I cast away the tortuous gender norms that had tormented me throughout my life.
“Psychedelics help to unravel entrenched notions some of these patients have of being ‘wrong’ and allow them to recognize that they’re deserving of humanity, dignity and respect.”
- Rachel Golden
Psychedelics can also be used therapeutically to help people who feel they have been harmed in a world isn’t always supportive of sexual and gender minorities. I am so incredibly proud of Jae and Rachel who regularly use ketamine-assisted therapy to help queer, trans and gender-expansive clients see themselves more positively. In fact, Jae and Rachel recently developed a novel program designed by and for transgender and gender-expansive people to use ketamine-assisted group therapy to explicitly target identity-based trauma. That is life-altering, life-affirming work that the world needs right now.
Single again, but with style
Entering 2026, I’m still single! Single “again” I suppose? It was for the best.
We both cherished the night of our meet-cute. He was grabbing his late-night, post-gym take out order at the Indian restaurant on my corner. I was walking past said restaurant, on my way to a cave rave, wearing something outrageous. Neither of us were on dating apps or instagram. We just happened to frequent the same Indian restaurant and became friends with the proprietor-hostess, who took it upon herself to make sure we met. That first connection was brief, but there was a spark and a magnetism that intrigued us both.
Fast forward four months, we were winding the relationship down with mutuality and respect. And he told me what he liked about me, from the moment we first crossed paths. He said: “I could tell you were cool.” He talked about my unique haircut (I cut my own hair) and the leggings I had on (that I found in the women’s section). He explained that it wasn’t a trendy cool, it was an authentic cool. It was the calm confidence that I carried myself with. The “cool” that afforded me the ability to carve my own path through life.
Breakups are tough, especially around the holidays with its long nights and rom-com sensibilities. But in this case, I got an affirming reflection from someone who spent time to really know and see me.
My new year’s resolution for 2026 is to embrace my own cool. And I know exactly how I developed this sense of cool from a young age. I LOVED shopping.
Growing up without Facebook or Youtube, adventure was found… at the mall. The Alderwood Mall in Lynnwood, WA, specifically (a very mid, very suburban mall lol). I started working at the mall in high school, as soon as I could. My first job was at a Pottery Barn because they needed seasonal workers and paid above minimum wage - $7.50 an hour! During my lunch breaks, I’d shop. Nordstrom was the mall anchor, there was also an American Eagle, Abercrombie, Zumiez, Express, etc. Without a credit card, I wasn’t able to actually buy anything but those early shopping years were about play, imagination, and self-discovery.
Shopping was an invitation to dream about the person I would become. I would try on SO MANY things. Each time I tried something on, I wondered if this aesthetic was “Steven”… or not. I wanted my style to be discerning and I knew it would take a lot of tries to create the right look. I was charting the path of my future self. I was self-actualizing in the dressing room.
As I grew older, came out of the closet, traveled the world - my love for shopping grew. As my sense of style became intimately intertwined with my sense of self, the dressing room became a nuanced way to test and define my self expression. Does this cropped, white, baby tee convey my sincere innocence? Does this woven leather jack create a silhouette of someone who commands attention?
The best things in my closet weren’t purchased online. For something to have meaning for me, I need to try it on and consider how it makes me feel. The clothing in my closet that I really consider special; I can tell you where and why I bought it, and how it made me feel when I tried it on.
I can’t say for sure if my personality was shaping my closet, or if my closet was shaping my personality. On occasion, I would take a risk on a purchase - something unusual. Sometimes it would pay off and I found a new avenue of self to explore and create. But there was chance it would go straight to a second hand store for pennies on the dollar. Through shopping, I learned to take calculated risks with my life. If you don’t mess up from time to time, you aren’t taking enough risks. (I take this principle to Costco, as well).
So 2026 is going to be a year of embracing my own cool. The past few months have sapped my energy. I need to bring some of my mojo back and I have a feeling I know just how to do it. I plan to continue honing my sense of style and self of self; something money can’t buy. Wish me luck. And hopefully I’ll meet a handsome man who sees me and thinks “I can tell this guy is really cool.”
Catch me IRL in Las Vegas at Sin City Classic (Jan 15-19)
Once I’ve won my January court hearings (stay tuned!), I’ll be on my way to Vegas for my second consecutive year of Sin City Classic, an awesome queer tennis tournament. Lex and I last year made a courageous run for the championship, falling in a 3rd set tie-break in the semifinals. Unfortunately, Lex has been injured but I’ve been playing well with Ben (my partner from PAC Cup in August) and we’re going to see how far we can get! If you’re going to be in Vegas, hit me up!
Photo drop
Authenticity is the highest frequency in the universe! Loved the thoughts you conveyed. Definitely inspiration that I'll take with me on my own journey.